Q: How do you get a semi-professional magician off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students.
"When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnny.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?"
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
Q: Hear about the drunk magician?
A: He was walking down the street and turned into a bar!
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
Q: How do you get a magician to do 100 card tricks?
A: Ask him to show you one.
A Magician was doing his stage show in front of a big audience but saw he wasn't getting anywhere. After trying all the 'tricks', in desperation, he called a big, muscular man out of the audience.
"Sir, I'd like you to take this 20 pound sledge hammer and hit me as hard as you can right in the head."
The man refused.
The magician then said, "Sir, I am a professional. This is the Greatest Illusion. Besides, there are hundreds of witnesses, hit me as hard as you can right in the head with the hammer."
The man shrugged, did it, and the Magician went flying across the stage, hit the wall, and immediately fell into a coma. He was rushed to the hospital, and remained in the coma for years.
Ten years later, he came out of the coma, looked around, and said "Ta DA!!"
Q: What's the difference between a magician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
A magician looking for a new trick went to a newly opened magic shop. The assistant behind the counter handed him an ordinary-looking pair of glasses and said, "Only £1,000."
The magician was shocked. "A thousand pounds for a pair of glasses?"
"Try 'em on; they're special glasses."
He tried them on and suddenly the clerk was naked. So were the female shoppers! He removed the glasses and everyone was clothed. "Sold!", he said.
Riding the bus home, he put the glasses on again. The bus driver was naked and all the passengers were naked! He took them off and everyone was clothed again. When he got home, he put his new glasses on before opening the front door. When he entered the living room, there on the sofa were his wife and his best friend, naked! He took the glasses off, but they were still naked.
"Damn!" he said. "A thousand pounds for a magic trick and in 30 minutes they've already broken!"
Q: What's the difference between a magician and a pizza?
A: Most people like pizza.
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
Q: What happened to the gay magician?
A: He vanished with a poof!
When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I said "A Magician".
She said, "You can't do both".
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: “Pick a cod..........any cod.”
Q: What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
A: They both like "Hat Tricks."
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor's performing rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician's house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".
The magician replies, "I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Q: A fellow with a rabbit in a hat pin on his lapel and a fellow with a magic wand under his
arm are both stood waiting for a Taxi. Which one is the magician?
A: The Taxi driver.
I told my mother "You know, I've half a mind to become a professional magician".
She said "That should do".
Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!
A juggler is sent to hell for his sins.
As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!"
Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: "Who are you to question these women's punishment?"
Q: What is the difference between a stage magician and his parrot?
A: One of them is loud and obnoxious. The other one is a bird.
A pimple-faced young magic fanatic was walking from the blackpool convention
dealer room to the close up room, playing cards in perpetual motion,
when his friend said, "Where did you get that great bike you were
riding this morning?"
The young magician replied, well, I was was walking along Blackpool front, practising my
faro shuffle when my concentration was suddenly interrupted by a
beautiful woman riding up to me on a bicycle. She stopped, threw her
bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, and stood there with
her arms outstretched shouting, "Take whatever you want, Magic Boy!!"
His buddy stopped his double coin roll and looked over at his friend
in delighted surprise. Smiling, he said, "Good choice, Tom! Her
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 13 or more...............One to actualy change it, but at least another dozen to discuss the
pro's and cons of an any alternative handlings.
A policeman pulled a car over on the M25 When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to do a show that night at the Magic Circle and didn't want to be late.
The officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.
The magician told the officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The magician stated that he could, so the officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to the cells, cause there's no way in Hell I can pass that test!"
Q: If Houdini were alive today, what would he be famous for?
A: He'd be the oldest man alive...
A magician was walking one day when he saw a frog. The frog said, "Hey mister, I'm really a princess. If you kiss me I will turn back into a princess and you will be a prince." The guy said, "Coooolllllll", put the frog in his pocket and walked on down the road.
A little while later he took the frog out and looked at it again. This time the frog said, "Really, I'm a princess. If you kiss me you will be a prince and you will be rich." The guy said, "Coooolllllll", put the frog in his pocket and walked on down the road.
A little while he took the frog out again. This time the frog said, "Hey mister, whats up? Why won't you kiss me?". The guy said, "Look, I'm a close-up magician. I'm not interested in being a prince, or being rich. But a talking frog, now that's Coooolllllll."
Q: If Houdini were alive today, what would he be doing?
A: Scratching the inside of his coffin!
The town council were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member of the council was a keen ameteur magician and suggested bringing in a hypnotist that he knew from his local magic club. The officials agreed, so the hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
Well................It took nearly three weeks, to clean up the town hall.
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "And that's magic !"
Now that school is out the parents of a young boy send their son to summer camp.
When he returned home after his first day at camp his dad asked him, "What did you do at summer camp today?" His son said, "I'm taking a really cool magic class. I learned how to make a coin disappear and then make it re-appear from someones ear."
"That is great!" said the dad. The next day the dad asked his son, "What did you learn in your magic class today?" The son said, "We learned a card trick. I have you pick a card put it back into the deck, mix it up, and I can find the card."
"Wow that sounds like fun." says the dad. On the third day the dad asked his son, "What did you learn in magic class today?"
The son said, "I couldn't make it to class today." "Why not?", asked the father. The son replied, "I had a gig..."
Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to magicians?
A: It saves them time in the long run.
Q: A magician is looking for a new assistant for his magic act. There are three female applicants for the job. He gives each £20 and sends them to a magic shop to buy a suitable trick for his show.
The first one comes back with an invisible deck. The magician thinks 'OK, shes careful and doesnt like tricks going wrong. She prefers tricks that are simple but can be presented with a lot of drama'
The second one comes back with a zombie ball. The magician thinks 'Ok, she likes tricks that are show-ey, but classical and elegant.
The third one come back with the trick 'bruised'. He thinks 'Ok, she likes tricks that are versatile and more street style. She likes tricks that look 'cool'.
Who does he hire?
A: The one with the biggest boobs.
A close up magician Dave, rang his best friend and fellow magician, Joe.
Dave - “Joe? Mate I need to borrow £100. My wife is dying and I need to get
her some special medicine to save her life!”
Joe - “Well Dave, I would lend you the money, but I’m worried you’ll just blow it on prop’s”.
Dave – “No I won’t. I already have the money for props!!!”
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Not a lot!"
A magician walks into a magic shop.
He glances around at all the musty old familiar curiosities of a bygone era: a large chromed foo can; an canvas straitjacket with suspiciously long sleeves; a gaudy silk cabinet with fake oriental characters on it. A kid behind a counter is badgering a customer to "Pick a card -- any card!". Then the magician notices a small plastic figurine of a rabbit in a top hat. It has no price tag, but it is so cute that he decides he must have it.
He asks the kid behind the counter, "How much for that ornament of a rabbit in the hat?"
The kid replies, "It's not just an ornament, it's also a trick! Twenty quid, with an instructional DVD."
"I don't need the instructions. To me it's just an ornament. It'll look good in my magic den. I'll give you fifteen quid for it -- and you can keep the instructions!" Since the hat and rabbit had been languishing on the shelf for months, the kid agrees to sell it without the DVD.
The magician walks out of the store with his prize under his arm, and walks merrily down the street. He begins to notice a few stray jackrabbits following him. Startled, he walks a bit faster. But a few blocks later he is stunned to see several dozen vicious-looking wild rabbits hopping behind him. He panics and runs madly off in all directions, only to see more and more crazed-looking rabbits, seemingly popping out of nowhere, and racing after him at top speed.
Now in full gallop, the magician runs frantically towards a bridge spanning a large river. He scrambles out onto the bridge with the rabbits right behind him in hot pursuit, now in the thousands. Figuring the ornament from the magic shop is jinxed, he tosses it into the river. He's suddenly astonished to see a 'million' crazed rabbits jump into the river after it! They all drown. It's a ghastly sight.
Thoroughly relieved, the magician staggers back to the magic shop, determined to get an explanation for this nightmare.
"Ah ha!" says the kid behind the counter, "You've come back for the instructions!"
"Hell no!" says the rumpled and haggard magician, gasping for breath and wiping sweat from his brow, "I came back to see if you have any similar ornaments, but with a juggling theme?"
Q: How much should a professional balloon modeler weigh?
A: About 3 pounds if you include the urn.
"I'm so unlucky that..........
If I were a magician and I performed the "sawing a beautifull woman in half" illusion,
but I could only keep one half....
I'd still end up with the half that talks!"
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It all depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To avoid the street magician.
Q: Why is a Digitial Camera like a Magician.
A: They don't do exposure.
Ninety-nine percent of magicians give the rest a bad name.
Q: Why did they sink 200 magicians to the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because apparently, deep down, magicians are good people.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2........One to actualy change it, and another to tell him how Dai vernon would've done it better.
Q: What do you call a black man who performs magic for a living?
A: A "magician" you racist!
Q: What could be better, than a mentalist falling out of a window?
A: Another one below him.
One day an amateur magician was visiting a fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said 'For 10 pounds I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within.'
So the magician thought that he'd give it a go, and if all went well he could impress his fellow magicians at the next club meeting.
So he went inside, and sat behind a small table was an old man, who looked up as he entered and said, 'Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons.'
'Er, yes,' said the magician.
'Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson.'
Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. 'Here, hold this hose,' he said.
'Why?' said the magician, looking quite puzzled.
'It's part of the lesson,' replies the old man, 'Now, look in the end and tell me what you see.'
So the magician looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness. 'I don't see anything,' he tells the old man.
Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the magicians's face.
'I just knew you'd do something like that.' the magician shouted.
'There. You are now a mind reader!' the old man replies, 'That'll be 10 pounds please!'
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2.... One to change the light-bulb, and one to say, "I can do that."
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3.... One to change the light-bulb, one to say, "I can do that," and One to say, "Hey! He stole that from me!"
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1003.... One to change the light-bulb, one to say, "I can do that," One to say, "Hey! He stole that from me!" and the rest to say 'I could do that too if I practised more'.
A Close-up magician, Stage Magician and a Mentalist apply for a job with the Metropolitan Police........
A police detective decided to begin by testing their skills of observation.
He showed the Close-up Magician a photograph of a suspect for five seconds, and then put the photo behind his back. "Let’s see what you can recall. What can you tell me to help us find this person?"
The Close-up Magician replied, "He’ll be easy to find! He only has one eye!"
The detective was angered at the Close-up Magician’s stupidity. "Don’t be so stupid! That’s a profile photo!" The detective then showed the same photograph to the Stage Magician and asked, "And what can you tell me about the man in the photo?"
The Stage Magician replied, "That’s easy! He has only 1 ear!"
The detective was now very angry, and replied, "Idiot! It’s a profile! You’re totally wrong!" The detective turned to the Mentalist, showed the same photograph for five seconds and said, "And what can you tell me about the man in the photograph? Think! I don’t want any more stupid answers!"
The Mentalist closed his eyes and thought hard before replying, "The man in the photograph wears contact lenses."
The detective was flustered; he hadn’t expected that answer, and didn’t know himself whether or not the man wore contact lenses. Excusing himself, he looked up the person’s information on the computer, and lo and behold, the man in the photograph wore contact lenses! He returned to the Mentalist, duly impressed.
"That was an impressive display of deduction! How did you know that he wore contact lenses? ......Did you use the power of your mind?"
The Mentalist replied with a smile, "Easy! With only 1 eye and 1 ear, he couldn’t possibly wear glasses!"